Nostalgia? Maybe.

The holidays are continuing to pass. The New Year is close, and I can’t help but think of the people that were once here that are now gone. I am sure some don’t want to think about the ones they have lost during this time that is supposed to be “joyous,” but I seem to always think of them more.

I think of that feeling. Nostalgia? Maybe. Being in a safe place with your favorite people. The smells, sounds, memories from previous holidays all around you. Now, nostalgia changes to bitterness. You’ll never get those back. All around me now is an attempt for everything to be the same.

Maybe this is our problem?

Grasping at the past and attempting to fill the emptiness in our holiday with the exact thing that is making it empty- the way things used to be.

The older I get the more I realize how important being in a relationship is, having family is, being a part of something besides myself. Sure, I love my independence and I love that sought after “me” time but there’s only so much you can do to make your life meaningful by yourself.

When I think of past holidays, I do not think of “me.”

I think of my Nunny and Pap’s carpet. How you always had to walk with shoes on at Christmas time in fear of being stabbed by a pine needle from the tree. Or how my dad would scare the shit out of you on Thanksgiving when he would watch football, yelling out of nowhere “Alright, Let’s go!” How close everyone used to be before hard times and bad life choices drifted everyone apart.

What I think of is nostalgia.

But instead of grasping at the past and turning that nostalgia into bitterness. I think I’ll take a different approach and live life like they’re still here. I will try to open my heart even though it likes to be closed. I will trust people even though I don’t. I will let people in.

So hopefully in future holidays, when I look back to the past ones-I don’t just think of “me.”